I am terrified 2.0

NotesA few weeks ago, I finished my undergraduate studies. While I was studying, I was constantly plagued by a niggling feeling of anxiety, quietly terrified that I would fail everything at this final point. Yesterday I found out my results and now I know for sure that I definitely passed everything and that I technically have a degree now (graduation is in December!). I thought once reaching this point all the stress and anxiety would go away, but instead it’s been replaced with a listless feeling of not knowing what on earth I’m doing.

One of my first posts on here “I am terrified” was about how scared I was about starting university. Now I’m finished, I am still terrified. I feel almost like finishing uni means I’m losing a part of my identity. I’ve always done well in an academic environment, and I think I’m scared that it’s the only environment I can succeed in.

While feeling all this, I am also excited about the future. Next year I’m running away to live in Canada with the person I love, and I’m so excited to finally be doing something different. Til then though, I’m still in NZ, still living at home, still working the same two jobs I have been for the past few years. While I love NZ, and living with my parents is actually fine, and my jobs are pretty great, I kind of feel like I’m without purpose right now. It’s like university gave me structure and an identity, and I feel a little lost without it.

My hope is that I’ll take this feeling and channel it into the creative pursuits I let fall while I was focusing on study. Now I’m riddled with free time, I want to back into playing music and actually using this blog and feeling inspired and desire to create again.

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